A Letter to My Estranged Mother

 Mom,

About a year ago you asked for something from me.   Here is where I have landed today when I think about what you should hear.

I wish I could have found a way to be more empathetic about your divorce.  That was hard.  You were not the only one who was cast adrift.

I wish you would not have judged a person that I considered part of my family without knowing her and without knowing me.  That went against my values.

I wish you would not have tried to secretly baptize my child.  That was just wrong.

I wish you could have been part of my family.  I tried and felt rejected by you.

I wish you would have been able to get to know me, my wife, my children, and the wonderful partners they have chosen to share in their lives and start their own families with.  I was not heard or seen much of my early life.  This feels like a continuation of that.

I wish you could have separated your anger, fear, and bitterness from our relationship.  I was unable to keep it from getting in the way.

There is more - a lot more.

I have not had the sense any time since I left for college that you were interested in getting to know me, getting to know my wife and children, or even was interested in being considered part of the family that Karen and I created and raised (on our own).  This is real.

I am not open to rebuttal.  Neither do I consider that our relationship can be repaired.  My experience of our past relationship is that I felt punished by you and feel rejected by you, which makes it unimaginable that I would now open up.  There doesn't seem to be any possibility of even having a conversation - I simply cannot imagine what would have to happen in order for me to trust you.

I have written this letter over and over in my mind over the last year or so and it keeps ending up blaming you.  I don't really want to do that.  I own a part of this poor relationship, too.  Part of me was angry for the way dad treated you - he was wrong - and part of me was disappointed and shocked how you treated me after your divorce and after I was married.  It was hard for me to stay in relationship when so many negative feelings were spilling over uninvited into our relationship and onto my family when I was just trying to figure out - with help from virtually nobody - how to survive.  It was easier to just go forward with my life when it seemed too risky and unsafe to try to engage you.  And over and over my sense of no safety was reinforced by your bitterness - let me just say this:  your relationship with my dad had nothing to do with me.  I am not and never have been responsible for your happiness and it is also unfair to expect me or anyone else to fix your lack of happiness.

Moreover, it was unfair of you to require me to choose sides.  I was unhappy that you blamed Karen for my lack of religious feelings.  I am still shocked at your attempt to impose your beliefs on my children without permission.  It has taken me literally decades to unlearn from many of your and dad's examples.  I am not proud of stepping away, but I am proud of the person that I am, and my feelings to this day are that I did what I had to do for myself.

You should not consider this a step in some process of reconciliation.  A first step would be for you to apologize for what I heard you say in our last phone conversation.  You remember what that was: "On a scale of 1-10, how dark is she."  I wonder how you feel about that comment now.  Since you spent the rest of the conversation defending your judgement and you have had years to think about what you said to me without apology, I don't expect an apology.  Nevertheless, that is what would have to come first.

Really, I think this is all there is.  I am retired, happy, a successful dad and partner, and getting ready to welcome new members of my family, which I will cherish and love and listen to and let go of without judgement about the color of their skin, the length of their hair, or their religion, or where they live, or their chosen profession, or who they love.  I have lived proudly and blissfully this way for a while now and I am ok with myself continuing my own chosen journey.  I only wish you could see that.

S-