The Art of the Essay

You ask, "How do I write good essays?"

To be Frank (not my real name) good essay writing happens only by actually sitting down and writing essays.  No idea what I am talking about?  Read on, dear essay-writer-in-the-making.

I am very good at writing essays because I have taken my own advice and frequently, actually find myself sitting down and writing essays.  I even do it standing up sometimes.  Sometimes, I write essays on my own time.  That's how much I enjoy it.

So, consider this your lucky day.  Here goes: some advice on the writing of essays from a person quite good at said essay-writing.

First, you need to know what the essay will be about.  Without knowing this bit of critical information you will very likely not achieve the desired result of producing a good essay.  You might have to write on a topic chosen for you, by, for example, a teacher (if you are still in school) or a supervisor (if you are in the workplace).  Alternatively, you might provide the topic yourself.  This last one can be hard!  You have to think of it all by yourself.  If you manage the latter, congratulations!  You are a great self-starter!  Pat yourself on the back!  The topic, for future reference shall henceforth be referred to as THE TOPIC.

Introduce THE TOPIC in the TITLE.  A good TITLE can hook the reader.  If you don’t hook the reader you will have no readers and hence you will not earn that nice, juicy paycheck at work or nice, juicy “A” at school.  

First rule of essay-writing:  hook the reader.

Reintroduce THE TOPIC in the very first paragraph.  Your readers, if any, are reading your essay because they are ignorant about your position regarding said TOPIC.  Because they are ignorant, possibly in general, you need to remind them again in the first paragraph about the TOPIC. Repetition works.  

Second rule of essay-writing:  Don't forget that your readers are ignorant, so remind them frequently about what you are going to tell them. 

Once THE TOPIC has been established in the first paragraph, you need to decide whether to argue for or against THE TOPIC.  In the alternative, you might decide that the essay will be merely informative.  Merely informative essays are boring.  Boring essays do not get read.

Third rule of essay-writing: do not be boring.  

Once you have decided to argue for or against THE TOPIC, you must provide THE EVIDENCE to support your position.  This is the hard part. 

You have to read stuff and find stuff that proves to your ignorant readers that you are smart and that your position is correct.  Keep it simple and have one paragraph for each piece of THE EVIDENCE.  Start each paragraph with the piece of EVIDENCE and then tell the incredibly ignorant, but now fully engaged reader how and why THE EVIDENCE supports your position.  Use small words.  This is also hard.  It requires PERSUASION and LOGIC impossibly combined with SIMPLE.  Without these key skills you are lost and your essay will be bad.  Frankly, I can't help you with this last part regarding PERSUASION and LOGIC and SIMPLE.  Either you have it or not.  If you have it, I don't need to tell you about it, and if you don't, you should take up carpentry, not essay-writing.  

Fourth rule of essay-writing: bring it or bang nails.

Finally, you need to provide THE CONCLUSION.  In a final paragraph, you need to condense (visualize putting lots of milk into a tiny can) the whole above-mentioned shebang into a few brilliant sentences.  Ask yourself in a tortured, high-pitched voice while asking, "What does it all mean?"  Then answer yourself.  Write that last part down and remind the readers of THE TOPIC, THE EVIDENCE, with PERSUASION, and LOGIC.  Repetition works. Repetition works.  

And don’t forget rule two and rule four.