Open letter to a spammer

From: Ruth Jamal
Sent: Wed, January 27, 2010 3:25:28 PM
Subject: Nice meeting you.

My Name is Ruth, am easy going and loyal. I am God fearing in nature. I'm faithful,honest and kindhearted. I came across your contact at http://www.bradley.edu. I will like to know more about you and also will love to be your friend if you don't mind. I have something very important to share with you. I hope to hear from you for more introduction soonest.

Dear Ruth,

I am impatient, insufferable, fiercely competitive and without religious-based morals. These attributes come to me easily because I am an unapologetic atheist and work for a pack of hyenas. Uh, huh.

Your coming across my contact at the cited website is a gross and unforgivable misappropriation of information given in good faith as an unpaid volunteer so that people with legitimate concerns regarding life and studies at Bradley University can contact me and enjoy the benefit of the modest number of experiences and impressions I have garnered from first attending that fine University and then having my eldest son attend there as well. I deeply resent your intrusion, which demonstrates your prima facie lack of integrity. Why would I respond to an email that so clearly comes from an idiot? I wonder which one of your two brain cells is supposed to be watching the other.

I do not want to get to know you or know any more about you than I already know, which, in short, is enough to conclude with a fair certainty that you are a lowdown scumbag and a liar with no more scruples than a piece of angle iron. A rusty, thrown-away piece of angle iron, meant for a toaster oven but rejected by routine QA tests because it was cut too short by an uncaring drop-out who has a problem measuring things with a ruler, but who nonetheless has completed several more years of education than yourself and who undoubtedly has lots more friends. You are as god-fearing as a piece of bark. I hope your hair falls out. Soon.

But, just for fun, let me guess. Your "very important" message likely concerns an inheritance from your late Uncle Ubunta Smith, a wealthy mineral barron in the Congo, who never exploited his workers, and who recently tragically died in a plane crash going to visit his sick mother after she contracted malaria while ministering to penniless dengue fever patients packed like cord wood in a village hospital in the deep bush without electricity, running water or chewing gum. No doubt you are too stupid to figure out how to get the alleged money out of the miserable country you call home and thus, you require a "partner," one with a bank account, the number of which is XXXXXX6449. To top it off, you will offer to give me a king's ransom of your gold and silver pieces for my friendship. Well, no thanks, really. My skin is peeling off in sheets the size of dinner platters at the very thought of being your friend.

I hope to never hear from you again, and in fact, I am counting on it, because I have updated my spam filter and any remonstrations from you or anyone like you will be shunted to a virtual trash can at the speed of light. Yes, now I feel better.

Good day, Ruth, or whatever your name is.

Your humble servant,
S-